 |
| Photo by Sarah Pflug from Burst |
That is a question that all of us have been trying to answer. We have scientists, philosophers and psychologists trying to understand and describe what love is. Of course, there are many theories developed to answer that question and working scientific experiments to show the effects of love. That certain chemicals are triggered when you are "in love". Also, experiments can show you that certain parts of the brain 'light up' when you are "in love". Scientists have come up with this theory that a person goes through 3 stages of love, which we are probably familiar with:
Stage 1: Lust (A temporary sexual desire)
Stage 2: Attraction (A temporary feeling of infatuation)
Stage 3: Attachment (A long-term feeling of interpersonal involvement, safety and support)
In these stages, different types of sex hormones and neurotransmitters travel to our brain telling us that we are "in love".
On the other hand, ancient Greeks have developed 7 words to describe different states of love:
- Eros: Sexual or erotic love
- Ludus: Puppy love
- Philia: Friendship love
- Storge: Family love
- Pragma: Long-lasting marriage love
- Agape: Unconditional love
- Philautia: Self love
Merriam-Webster defined love as 1) a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person; 2) attraction of sexual desire; 3) the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship; 4) a person you love in a romantic way. Okay. Wow. So easy to understand. Much appreciated.
Why do humans make it so complicated? Basically, humans have evolved in a certain way that we have developed this social mechanism to promote long-lasting relationships with one another. Through this long-lasting relationships, our chances of reproduction, parental support for our children and safety are ensured. Birds, chimpanzees and even gorillas develop long-lasting relationships with their mates to do the exact same thing we do with our children. We are mammals, we give birth to our young and we nurse them. We don't let our children fend for themselves at an early age like how fish and turtles do. So, "love" ensures that we are able to survive so that our children are able to survive until adulthood. That is science for you.
Fortunately or unfortunately for us, humans are complicated, so I won't say that the concept of love is any simpler than a survival tool. Love has evolved together with us. Maybe now it is only a part of a survival tool.
Again, it boils down to us humans as highly sociable beings. We want to know that we are capable to connect with others, and others to connect with us. We are rarely lone rangers. There are many versions to human love. Love for our family, love for our partners, love for our country, love for friends, love for God, love for our pets, love for material things and many more. Some are unconditional love, others are one-sided (unrequited), reciprocated, tragic and it can also be uncertain.
Like many other things, human consciousness and intelligence have brought love to a whole other level. It is not about a single feeling; it is a mix of different feelings at different times. But sometimes, love can be confused with other feelings. The problem with us humans is that we often use "love" to replace an act of expression for other feelings. Natural philosopher Adrian Catron said, "The word love is used as an expression of affection towards someone else (I love you) but it also expresses pleasure (I love chocolate)". So there is where the confusion happens. Like how we say we love food, we love our pet Buddy or we love our red Maserati car. If we choose to be more specific in our expressions (like what you see in the movie 'The Giver'), we would say 'We enjoy food, we find comfort in the company of our pet Buddy and we enjoy possessing our red Maserati'. But even at the end of the movie 'The Giver', love becomes something that cannot be explained. It is just felt. Maybe you should watch the movie if you haven't. No spoilers here.
Like beauty, love cannot be explained. It is subjective to our understanding. There cannot be a universal definition of what love is, because the experience cannot be proven to exist. It is just felt. According to Adrian Catron, it is a state of being.
Now let's talk about a topic we all love, 'romantic love' which involves sex, physical or psychological attraction and feelings of attachment with another person.
But what if the other person does not feel the same way back? (cue suspense music, please) So the next two questions would be:
What is unrequited love? And what are the pros and cons of experiencing it?
I am sure that everyone of us would have experienced or will experience some sort of unrequited love at any point of our lives. Maybe it is that pretty girl who refused to sit next to you in kindergarten or even that cute boy who did not want to reply your love letter you folded neatly and passed across class. Jokes aside. Let's talk about the mature unrequited love. The unrequited love you felt when you have already reached puberty. The unrequited love when you thought you have found the love of your life but that person is just not that into you. The heartaches, the dramas, the intense over thinking moments, the 'what-if's' and the memories of the aftermath.
Unrequited love is a one-sided love that is not reciprocated (returned) by the other. The one who is loved may consciously reject or may be unaware of the strong and deep romantic affection of the admirer. As all things in life, there are two sides of a coin. So on one side, we have the rejector and on the other, the rejected. I am sure we have been both the rejector and rejected. But rarely, anyone talks about the rejector because the main idea is that the one who is rejected feels so much worse. Is that so? Or do both the rejector and the rejected feel equally bad?
In the 1990s, two psychologists Sara Wotman and Roy Baumeister published a book titled, 'Breaking Hearts: Two Sides of Unrequited Love'. This book basically includes researches and narratives done by Wotman and Baumeister that explains the whole psychological process of unrequited love that both the rejector and the rejected go through. According to the editor of Vision Gina Stepps's review of that book, she explains Wotman and Baumeister's research found a surprising trend that alike rejected lovers, rejectors also felt significant emotional pain. But the ones who are rejected, were very unaware of this fact because they were more self-oriented than the rejectors. The reason behind it was that the rejected ones were in a state of need rather than caring. Gina Steep also mentioned that culture ideologies tells us that we should persevere and persist when faced with rejection. Perseverance and persistence are values that may encourage the pursuers to feel justified behaving in ways that would be considered irrational and inappropriate in other contexts.
According to an analysis by Wotman, Baumeister and Stillwell, unrequited love is a classic case of emotional interdependence. What does it mean by that? The interdependence theory formulated by Kelly and Thibaut in 1978, is meant to analyze human relations in terms of how in a relationship each person's outcomes depend on the other person's actions. In this case of unrequited love, emotions play an important role. So emotional interdependence means that a person's actions determine the other person's emotions. Simply it means, whatever the pursuer does, it will have an affect on the emotions of the one who is being pursued.
Let's analyze a situation presented by Wotman, Baumesiter an Stillwell (please note that the names of the characters mentioned in this post are not mentioned in the original analysis) where we have Kate who is deeply in love with Bob but then she realizes that Bob is not interested in Kate. Kate is then faced with two choices which are:
A: To give up
B: To try to win Bob's heart
If she takes option B she will then face two possibilities, Bob may in the end return her feelings and they become a couple or Bob openly rejects her. If Bob openly rejects her, she may feel defeated or even humiliated. Now we look at Bob's situation, he may feel uncomfortable or frustrated because he does not want to hurt Kate's feelings. Worse even when Kate continues to gain Bob's affections even after rejection. Bob will feel that he is victimized. But if Kate takes option A from the beginning, she may feel that she has lost the opportunity of a relationship with Bob where both of them have a mutual love with each other. Again, if Kate gives up, Bob who is not interested in having a relationship with Kate would feel a certain relief that he did not have to go through the motions of rejecting Kate. For Kate, she is able to have two options but for Bob (who is not interested in Kate), all actions lead to a considerable negative outcome for him. Bob may try to prolong the rejection by offering a chance of long-term platonic (non-sexual and non-romantic) relationship with Kate. But in turn, Kate may misinterpret this as an encouragement that Bob will eventually fall in love with her (which includes romantic and sexual feelings). Bob may try to avoid Kate. In the end, Bob will end up having to forcefully go along with Kate (with forceful negative feelings) or openly rejecting her. All does not end well for Bob who is the rejector. He either has to fall in love with Kate or reject her. At the end, Bob is faced with more emotional trauma unless he is totally (emotionally and mentally, which I doubt) okay with Kate continuously 'pursuing' him (until she gives up or not). Even if Kate tells Bob that she has gotten over him and accepts the choice of being platonic friends with him, Bob does not know Kate's real feelings deep down inside (whether or not she has really given up or she is secretly hoping that one day they will be together in a romantic relationship). Basically, I feel that all situations end in a big mess. After all, we are messy people (in the head) anyway. Whether or not it is worth it for Kate or Bob, the answer is subjective and that is up to them. There is no right or wrong decision.
So why does unrequited love happen? According to Wotman, Baumeister and Stillman, people will be more attracted to people who are more attractive than them. Because people think that the more attractive person will give them the most enjoyment or satisfaction in a relationship. But in the end, people will end up with a person who has about equal attractiveness with them. This is so because, the more attractive people tend to pair up with the more attractive people. Which then leaves the less attractive people (in comparison to the more attractive people) to pair with each other. So unrequited love happens when the more attractive person does not want to pair up with the less attractive person. Confusing. Simply it means, if you're in love with Brad Pitt and he is in love with Angelina Jolie, in the end you are in a unrequited love situation with Brad Pitt. Another situation would be that unrequited love is formed from platonic friendship. Where if both of you are initially good friends, and then your "best friend" comes up to you and tells you he or she wants the friendship to move to a more romantic level. There are more complex situations where unrequited love can form because human emotions are complex things but these are the two mainly mentioned by Wotman, Baumeister and Stillman.
What are the effects of unrequited love? Wotman, Baumeister and Stillman emphasizes on two effects which are humiliation and guilt. Humiliation for the rejected and guilt felt by the rejector. Self-esteem plays an important role in humiliation. The one who is rejected feels that he or she is not as attractive or more attractive than the one who rejects. Because we all know that we do not normally feel attracted to a person who is less attractive than ourselves. If this is generally understood, then we would conclude that if a person rejects us then we are less attractive than that person. Wotman, Baumeister and Stillman said romantic rejection is more than frustration of desire, it is a symbolic evaluation of one's lacking worth or simply, a humiliating blow to a person's self-esteem. On the other hand, the rejector may feel guilty for rejecting that person. The rejector feels that he or she is held responsible for another person's pain even though the rejector did not want to hurt that person intentionally. So it is a sticky situation where we think we did that person a favor of not leading him or her on but we still feel guilty of rejecting.
Sarah (not her real name), said she felt very guilty when she initially had to reject someone whom she met online four years ago.
"I tried to use the whole, “I like you as a friend” bullshit," Sarah said.
According to Sarah, that person used the pity card on her by saying things like she was used to being rejected. This made Sarah felt more guilty of rejecting her. In the end, Sarah finally agreed to be in a relationship with that person. This on and off relationship went on for 9 months. Sarah did not feel guilty for long because she felt that she did not actually reject that person.
"But then a new guilt came along, the guilt of not feeling the same way towards her," Sarah continued.
After the end of the relationship, Sarah said she was on talking terms with that person but did not consider that person as a friend. In the end, Sarah learned something from that experience.
"I learned that I’m such a fucking weak sucker for the ‘pity card’. I couldn’t find the courage to just tell her no," Sarah said.
"Although I was, as some would say, fucked over, by
the relationship, I don’t hate her. I hate the things that she did, not her as
a person."
On the flip side of the coin, Sarah had also been rejected by someone else. Sarah recalled that initially they were just friends but over time she had developed feelings for that person. It was surprising for her that one day, that person reciprocated her feelings. Sarah was overwhelmed by her feelings and the thought that the person actually liked her back made her happy. But soon her practical side got her back on track and let her to think that it could be an experimental thing.
"I mean, she liked some other guy and all her exes were guys. How can she like some girl like me?" Sarah said she keep telling herself that to avoid hurt.
But then she was again taken aback when that person asked her if they were now in a relationship. After that, Sarah said she experienced a mix of feelings because she wanted to be with that person so much but also knew that deep down maybe it could not work out. She recalled that she decided to distance herself from that person because she did not know what to do then and was also afraid that their relationship would be not accepted by their friends. She wanted to protect that person in fear that the person would get hurt or get isolated because of their potential relationship. Two days later, that person rejected Sarah. That person told her that it was best for both of them to remain friends. And now I quote Sarah:
"Even though I was expecting it, it didn’t hurt any less. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry but I did. That was the most heartbreaking rejection I had to go through. Because for the first time, I genuinely loved, and wanted someone. Even after the rejection, my feelings didn’t fade, it grew stronger in fact. Nothing happened between us but my feelings for her is still there and will be there for a while. I don’t know what it was and I don’t think we will ever know why, but we just fall in love."
Sarah said that through this experience she had learned how to truly love someone. Sarah also said she learned that feelings do not have a magical on and off switch and that it is not a person's fault if you still have feelings for someone who had rejected you. She said just as how feelings come unexpectedly, they will also go unexpectedly and it is for one to decide what you want to do with them until then. For now, she remains good friends with that person. I further quote her (because it's best to read something the way a person actually wrote it and paraphrasing may spoil it):
"Being in love is falling in love with this person every time you two talk, joke around, and laughing together. It’s about getting these butterflies when you’re about to see them, the good butterflies. It’s also about wanting nothing more than for them to be safe and happy. It’s about just wanting to spend time with them, even if it is just doing absolutely nothing but you know it would be an amazing time. It’s about looking at them and feeling this warm feeling inside of you. It’s also having this cold feeling inside of you when they start doing things that you feel is unsafe. People talk about all the good feelings of being in love but it’s not that, not at all. Being in love feels like everything. You feel everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You get angry at them because you care. You see each other’s bad side but you don’t mind it because you know that person is an amazing person with the occasional slip up."
Kunal (his real name) was also faced with a certain kind of confusing rejection. The kind of rejection some people (I repeat some), would give when they do not want to hurt a person's feeling. But in turn, it just makes the situation more confusing. They did not talk to each other after that incident. Anyhow, it was about four years ago when Kunal decided to ask a girl he liked to prom. But his efforts were in vain. I'm going to quote him:
"...She gave me this sympathetic smile and said, "I'm sorry, you're just too much of a nice guy", and she turned and walked away. I felt like my heart was just ripped out of my chest. And I was dumbfounded. I mean, If you said I was ugly, I'd get that, I know I don't have any looks, say I'm not your type, fine, heck, even if you said you were going with someone else that's great. But "too nice"?! Still confuses me till this day."
The fact is that, we all will be faced with this sticky situation but there will be no straight answer as to how we should deal with the choice of rejecting someone or the unfortunate feeling of being rejected. To me I think time will tell. Some of us move on, some of us end up in depression or worse even death when faced with rejection. Even when we have to reject someone, it is a feeling of guilt that is very natural because we are human beings and we do not like to inflict pain on others intentionally (most of us). It is only up to us; how do we cope with humiliation, guilt or rejection. In face of rejection, some of us develop a defense mechanism. Something like comforting yourself when you are in pain or when you are humiliated, so we feel less of those negative feelings.
According to our dear Father of Psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud theorized that sublimation is a psychological defense mechanism. Freud's idea is that we shift our drive for sex into other activities. Which means that if we are unable to win the heart of a potential lover (which mostly ends up in sexual activities), we divert that drive into for example, eating, exercising or the most fruitful of all activities: writing songs that become a hit.
There are many songs inspired by unrequited love. So maybe is not that bad. British singer Sam Smith won 4 Grammy awards for his song inspired by his experience with unrequited love. Does unrequited love promote creativity? Lisa Phillips author of “Unrequited: Women and Romantic Obsession" thinks it does. I quote from her Washington Post write-up:
"Think of all the artists, writers and musicians who credit their achievements to a muse they couldn’t win over. Van Gogh made some of his best work after Kee Vos, his beloved cousin by marriage, broke his heart. Dante fell in love with Beatrice when he was 8, and as an adult immortalized his devotion to her in “La Vita Nuova” and “The Divine Comedy.” In the wake of romantic rejection, legendary dancer Isadora Duncan had a crucial epiphany about her approach to movement. As she wrote in her autobiography, she directed her emotions “toward my Art which gave me the joys which Love withheld.” In our own time, Smith, Adele and Taylor Swift are giving voice to unrequited love in their music."
She further notes that love and to some of us, art are both satisfying. Making art and seeking for love are both about trying to achieve a satisfied feeling. Lisa Phillips said blood flow increases in the caudate nucleus (a part of the brain, which integrates complex thoughts and emotions) from other parts of the brain with the feeling of desire. The feeling of desire is fueled by the activation of the areas of the brain that make a neurotransmitter called dopamine (which is associated with increased focus and excitement). This suggests that creative effort and seeking love are very much alike. The artist and the lover are both someone trying to invent or create something out of a concept in their heads. And in most cases, both will try and try again to get the painting or relationship right and feel satisfied in the end.
Unrequited love could be a source of powerful inspiration. In her Washington Post write-up, Phillips recalls a story told by an opera singer when she interviewed her (I have attached the link to her post in my references for your further reading):
"An opera singer I interviewed told me how, as a conservatory student, she was obsessed with her conductor. She spent as much time as she could in his orbit. Instead of overtly pursuing him, she brought the compulsion of a stalker to her education, absorbing everything he had to say about music. She credited the power he had over her with guiding her through challenging musical passages she wasn’t sure her voice was ready for. Her feelings for the conductor, who was gay, lasted years. Once she was no longer studying under him, they would see each other occasionally in the music world, and their encounters were at times disappointing. He wouldn’t give her the attention she craved. When her own career took off, she was asked to sing Leonard Bernstein’s “Songfest” cycle, which includes “Music I Heard With You,” with mournful lyrics about a lost love. Once again, her unrequited attraction became her inspiration. Rehearsing the piece, she often choked up, thinking about the conductor. But in performance, she was flawless. Afterward, to her surprise, the conductor walked through the backstage door and embraced her. He had witnessed her triumph. The encounter really allowed me to let go she said. She no longer needed him in order to be the performer she wanted to be."
In conclusion, love is a feeling unlike any other. There is no wrong or right. It breaks us down and it can also inspire us. I think that all of us are only beginning to learn about different aspects to love. Some of us may be experts in getting the lover we want, some of us fail to do so. Some of us end up marrying the love of our life, some end up being single their whole lives. Some of us find love in the things we are able to create (family, music, inventions), some of us find love in ourselves. Love is life. And like life, there is no universal explanation or understanding. For me, love is knowing someone matters to you throughout your life or one part of your life even until that person is not around anymore. Love to me is as simple as caring for someone sometimes more than you care for yourself. Love is accepting who I am.
About unrequited love, we all have done our fair bit in both breaking someone else's heart and have our heart been broken by someone else. We have gone through humiliation and guilt. What we can only do, is learn from it. As we all may know, in life we have to make tough decisions and some of them end up causing pain to others. We all hurt, both the rejector and being the rejected. Everyone has choices. And if we begin to understand that, we are able to slowly move on from pain. Some of us take weeks to move on, some of us may take years and there shouldn't be a right or wrong time. For those who still hold on to the feeling of guilt when you had to reject someone, think about your decision and if it feels right to you, no one should judge you on that. For those who still hold on to the feeling of being rejected but are still in love with that person, no one should judge you on how you handle those feelings. You are responsible for them and if it makes you feel weaker, try to understand those feelings and reach out to others but if it makes you stronger, then you are already learning more about love. If it is too hard, always remember that there are people out there who love you (maybe not romantically, but there are many types of love out there) and recall Sigmund Freud's theory of sublimation - it may make you a stronger person.
Hope you enjoyed this post. Thanks for reading until the end. Do continue to read the acknowledgement part, it is important! If you love to see me discuss more about different aspects of love (religious views on love, influence in music, my personal experiences and so on), just let me know. See you on the next post.
MY.
Acknowledgement
Thanks to those who have willingly and wholeheartedly shared your stories for this post. Your efforts will continue to encourage me to write more for everyone. Thanks to the person who suggested this topic to me. You are really a romantic (in a good way), this is dedicated to you. Thanks to Marissa for also taking some time to share your story but I'm sorry I did not get the chance to post your one up. Anyway, I'm really happy to see people sharing your stories to me, so I can share it to everyone. And I hope more will do in the next post. This blog should not be just about me and my own opinions. I hope that everyone can have a place to share your thoughts, stories and opinions as we all have something to learn from each other.
References
Baumeister R., Wotman S., Stillwell A. (1993). Unrequited love: On heartbreak, anger, guilt, scriptleness and humiliation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Vol 64, No. 3. Page 377- 395. Retrieved from http://www.people.vcu.edu/~jldavis/readings/Baumeister%20et%20al%201993%20unrequited%20love.pdf
BBC Science. The science of love. Retrieved from http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/hottopics/love/
Catron A. (2014). Huffington Post Healthy Living. What is love? A philosophy of life. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/adrian-catron/what-is-love-a-philosophy_b_5697322.html
Stepp G. (2012). Vision.org. Return to Sender: Unrequited Love is Painful for the Rejector Too. Retrieved from http://subscribe.vision.org/FamilyMatters/bid/76805/Return-to-Sender-Unrequited-Love-is-Painful-for-the-Rejector-Too
Phillips L. (2015). The Washington Post. How unrequited love can make us more creative. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/how-unrequited-love-can-make-us-more-creative/2015/02/12/525b38c2-ab2a-11e4-9c91-e9d2f9fde644_story.html
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thanks for your comment! ❤️