Photocopy Room Talk

I've been working full-time for slightly over 1 year (including my time as an intern) now after graduating and I feel it's been a roller coaster ride. As I write this, I have the constant urge to write something meaningful and tell you a story of how I made it with a dream job I love and what not but really, its just a disappointing rant. 

As I was nearing the end of my degree course, I had to apply for an internship and I admit I was adamant that I should apply for a company which would eventually offer me to continue on as a full-time employee and work there for many years. I was probably high on my 'unicorn rainbow' dream at that time. After 9 months, I left. Why? I was not happy. I felt depressed. I woke up with anxiety in the last few weeks of December. Because I felt I was trapped in this 'loop'. Maybe you feel I'm being a drama queen. Maybe I do feel like I was a drama queen as I tell you this. But honestly, I can not explain to you that feeling of anxiety which hit me last year and I've never felt like that before. 

As I see more and more people my age finding jobs they feel happy with and they're climbing up the ladder of success, I feel more stagnant than a green blob of algae water. And I've come to this realization that maybe it's neither the employers' fault nor anyone's fault but because I am not where I belong. Or maybe I am  part of the growing percentage of people who are privileged enough to be able to have that kind of choice. Anyhow it has been driving me nuts lately. Literally, I feel like I crawled out of this cradle and fell hard on my head. 

With a mild concussion, I'd like to list down a few things I've learned so far in the working world, to make myself feel better before I sleep tonight and to hopefully make you feel 'Aww, I'm not alone'. 

1. Not everyone works like you. 

This is hard because everyone is so focused on teamwork. A lot of people thrive on teamwork but not everyone. Most people, including myself, are so aware of our own pace and how we'd like to handle things that we get so annoyed at having to deal with others. I experienced this more in my new job as I have more colleagues now. More colleagues means more characters to deal with and different styles of working. This is a lesson I continue to learn as I navigate through all these personalities. If you have a dominating personality, this should be less of a problem to you I assume. For someone more passive, this is a constant struggle throughout the working world. And as you climb the ladder and assume a leadership position, this is something you have to understand in order to bring your team together and be a good leader instead of just another 'boss'. 

2. Always learn to protect yourself. 

There are so many snakes in this world, we all know that. And I'm not talking about just colleagues but also clients or people external from the company. I've had customers twisting my words and taking videos without my consent. What is this world we live in now? Everyone is posting stuff on Facebook in order to defame someone or an organization claiming it's "civic duty". I admit I may be low on the scale of knowing how to protect myself because I'm sort of an idealistic person. I believe many people are good in their heart somehow. Let's add 'naivety' to my unicorn rainbow dream. Slowly, I begin to open my eyes and see that a lot of people take advantage of others and situations to gain a little leverage in their lives for a low cost or risk. And I mean, a lot of people do that unfortunately at the expense of others. And you just got to be ready to lift up your shields at the right time. 

3. Not all leaders are bosses, vice versa. 

There are many ambitious human beings and there are many high achievers in this world. Most of them end up as bosses / employers / someone with a high ranking in an organization. Not all of them are leaders. What do I define as a leader? A leader is someone who is able to bring a department or just a group of people together to work efficiently and cohesively as a team. A leader is someone who cares about you as an individual and will guide you to achieve things as an individual and as a part of a group. A leader inspires you. A boss manages you. I feel there are many bosses and very few leaders. Unfortunately, some people who have the qualities of a leader are not ambitious enough to assume a leadership role and they are often overshadowed by someone who are quick to boss people around. 

4. Mistakes are meant to be made. 

As someone who has kind of a low self-esteem and a sort of perfectionist, I get really red in the face when I make a mistake. I really beat myself up for it. Now, I ask myself: Why? I get really demotivated. I realize now that, mistakes are part of learning. And you shouldn't kill yourself for it. Mistakes help you grow. Mistakes must be made. Mistakes are building blocks of a masterpiece. I was constantly being scolded in my new workplace. In my defense, I knew close to nothing because it has very little to zero relation with what I learned in college except it is sort of related to communication? Anyway, I try to be a fast learner and I hope people see me as that. I was literally thrown into a battlefield known as 'customer service' without prior knowledge or sort of basic knowledge. So, I had to learn on the job and getting scolded was my bread with coffee every day. It was a hot cup of coffee, I can tell you that. I think I burned my tongue but you know, my tongue is getting tougher every day although it may have discolored. 

5. Take care of yourself. 

I guess this is sort of related with No. 2: Always learn to protect yourself, but this is focused more on your well-being. This lesson, I must say, I am still learning. I try to get back to things I loved doing like reading books especially because ever since I started my internship, the amount of books I read really just deteriorated although I tell everyone I love books. I really do! But I read so much less now because I get so tired after work and barely have the energy to pick up a book. I feel I've changed a bit ever since I started working full-time. My habits sort of changed and I feel this contributes to my overall well-being. Then I ask myself again: Am I happy? Am I growing as a person? Or am I just becoming another busy bee? So, I hope that I learn again to do things I used to love like reading or just painting and to love yourself. And for some of you who feel that loving yourself means loving your job, then please go ahead and earn that extra OT. I hope you feel happy doing whatever that makes you feel whole. 

Future employers might look at this post and see how much of a whoosie I am and not hire me. But you know what, I don't want to die because of a career. I am still high on my 'unicorn rainbow' hoping that I would find something I have passion doing and hope that I can make money out of it to, you know, survive. This is a more 'food for thought' post. And as I begin to close my eyes and set my alarm clock for work tomorrow, I hope to find my passion one day - my calling. 

'Til the next post. 

MY.